Speaking Sober Thoughts
by Munchman
Summary: Whilst restocking the Normandy's lounge, EDI and Joker come up with the idea to watch what events unfold from their station. A collection of humourous exchanges between miscellaneous crew of the Normandy.
1. Prologue

-PROLOGUE-

"_Jeff, do you require assistance?" _EDI asked, strolling into the port-side lounge of the Normandy, holding several grocery bags in each hand. Joker was hobbling in at a slower pace, persistent in trying to get his own load across the threshold.

"Yeah, nngh... fine..." Joker grunted as he set his bags on top of the bar. EDI effortlessly placed hers next to Joker's and started emptying them as he placed himself on a seat by the bar. The Normandy was docked at the Citadel so most of the crew were either in it or pre-occupying themselves elsewhere.

"_Why did Commander Shepard require us to purchase all of this alcohol?" _EDI enquired as she placed the bottles away behind the bar.

"He was droning on about morale... and a little word in from me, boom, I made this happen. Plus the fact it's booze on the Alliance's dime, what idiot would pass that up?" Joker explained, taking one of the bottles out and inspecting it.

"_My records show that alcohol is known to make people extremely violent and unpredictable." _EDI stated bluntly.

"Yeah, but it really depends on the people... or what kind of booze. If you see a Krogan drinking what you're drinking, you can bet your ass you'll end up on the floor first." Joker continued examining the bottle before handing it to EDI. She placed the final bottle away before standing motionless. Joker looked up and raised an eyebrow, he was about to say something before she broke the silence.

"_Jeff, I just had a thought."_

"What kind of a thought's that, EDI?" Joker sighed a bit, half of him expecting a lecture on the proper consumption of alcohol. Wordlessly, EDI positioned herself in front of a security camera in the lounge.

"_Why don't we send this feed to your station?" _EDI suggested. Joker smirked at the idea.

"While that would be awesome, can you actually do that?" Joker asked.

"_I just did. Considering the long flight patterns we go on, and only having so much to talk about, I concluded that we should at least have what you like to call "In-flight Entertainment"." _Joker's smirk transformed into a grin.

"Seeing drunken antics of the crew? It's the most fun I can think of without drinking myself."

"_I highly advise you do not drink whilst at the helm of the Normandy, Jeff."_

"I know that, EDI." Joker sighed as he stumbled off the stool.


	2. Fendin Private Reserve

The Normandy was in full flight through The Milky Way. Joker was running the ship at maximum speed, and with the co-ordinates issued by his superior, it looked like it was going to take an extended amount of time before they reached their destination. This led Joker to become idle with controlling the ship as it continued listlessly towards it's destination. He looked towards EDI and the robotic vessel looked back.

"_Is it time we initiated our idea?" _EDI asked.

"I was hoping you'd say something about that. It's been nagging at me all day." Joker sighed, clearing most of his screens.

"_I detected presences in the lounge and waited to see if they were going to partake in a drink or not." _EDI explained.

"Oh, so it's a _'they', _this aught to be interesting." Joker smirked. "Place bets now, who's getting stinko?" EDI looked towards Joker, confused at his remark. "Oh, I forgot, you probably already know... never make bets with a machine." he gave a nervous laugh before propping up the screen to the lounges bar feed. There was one person sat at the bar in sight.

-LIVE FEED-

Behind the bar was James Vega. He was browsing the newly placed stock, flipping and re-arranging the drinks in an excited frenzy. "Where have _you_ been all my life?" he said, spinning a bottle of brown liquor around, inspecting it with fervour. Enter Cortez, who sat at the bar's seats.

"Got your message. What's the big hubbub?" Cortez asked as James seemed preoccupied with glasses and other drinks.

"I feel like a kid in a damn candy store!" James slammed the brown bottle he was admiring and broke open two shot glasses.

"Drinking on the job, James?" Cortez said unenthusiastically.

"Not just drinking on the job, mi amigo." James cracked open the bottle. "Drinking whiskey. Good whiskey. _Damn_ good whiskey." he said as he poured out two glasses.

"Again... what's the big deal?" Cortez gave a smirk, knowing full well the comment was ribbing James, but still was curious as to why he was acting so excited.

"Ever drank a whiskey that's lasted longer than your hairline?" James snapped back. Cortez patted his hairline in curiosity, but laughed off the comment.

"So, what is it?"

"Fendin Private Reserve, Platinum edition." James read, throwing his free arm in the air, making gestures as he spoke.

"Sounds like a video game." Cortez kept jiving as he grasped his glass.

"Well it's been aged for 110 years in ceder barrels and spiced with hints of cinnamon, toffee and golden leaf." James expressed, almost letting out a pleasurable sigh after his speech.

"And how do you know this?"

"Read it off the bottle." James admitted. "But this stuff must have cost a fortune."

"110 years, though, huh..." Cortez looked at the liquid in his glass, swirling around the soft brown colour. "You sure there's not sell by date?"

"Well, let's take a taste. If it's out of date, I'll drink the rest of the bottle." James picked up his glass as his friend nodded.

"I'll hold you to that."

"3... 2... 1..." James and Cortez both tossed the whiskey into their mouths and swallowed it. Both had a cringed look for a split second thanks to the potency of the alcohol, but afterwards James let out a satisfied coo. "Not bad..."

"Not bad? You build this stuff like it was pumped from the fountain of youth itself." Cortez cockily remarked.

"If that's the case, we're gonna need 5 more cases for you." James snapped back. Cortez stuck his hands up and let out a laugh.

"Okay, okay, you got me."

They both looked towards the door as another person entered the lounge.

"Mordin, it's weird to see you not working!" James spoke to the Salarian as he entered.

"Research going well. Waiting on results. Waiting, always waiting. Couldn't stay in same place." Mordin hastily replied.

"Well, come on over, take a load off." Cortez waved, gesturing to the empty seat beside him. Mordin gave a slight nod before taking his place.

"So, Mordin, what'll you have? Or do you not drink?" James asked.

"Sometimes. Do not drink for sake of drinking, or emotional pain. Drink for pleasure. Drink for taste. When research gets... questionable."

"Well then, James has what we _think _is sweet Ambrosia." Cortez gave a look to James as he spoke. "It's 'not bad'"

"Ambrosia... drink of ancient human gods. Offers immortality." Mordin gave a look to Cortez. "Sense hint of sarcasm."

"It's whiskey, Mordin." James cleared up, whipping up a glass and placing it on the table. He poured him a glass and and Mordin took a smell, examining it as if it was in a test tube. Both James and Cortez were staring intently at his face, waiting for his reaction. Mordin took the drink and downed its contents. He smacked his lips together as he swished it around his mouth before placing his glass down.

"Aged between 100-110 years. Ceder barrels. Cinnamon, toffee and go- no, fake gold, used to resemble gold leaf. Conclusion: Fendin Private Reserve."

Both James and Cortez looked at each other in absolute shock before staring back at Mordin.

"How the..." James was interrupted by Mordin leaving.

"Must get back to lab. Just a note. Fendin, very popular. Easy to purchase at liquor stores. Not exactly rare. Available for around 50 credits." the door shut behind as Cortez looked at James who buried his head in his hands.

"I won't mention anything, Vega." Cortez tried his hardest to stifle laughs. "Need something to forget your worries? Whiskey maybe?"

"Beer." James rushed to the fridge of the bar and yanked one out.

"Now you're talking my language!" Cortez bobbed his head in approval, before James slammed the fridge door without giving him one.

"Get it yourself then." James stubbornly replied. Despite what his move intended, there was a defeated smirk on his lips as he took a harsh glug from his beer. Cortez hopped off his stool with a laugh and took one out before sitting down with James. After a short, semi-awkward silence, James spoke as they sat.

"So, you're gay, huh?" James asked. Cortez turned his head slowly with a look of absolute bemusement.

"...what?"

"I have no idea." James said, swigging his beer. Cortez finally broke out in laughter at the sheer randomness of the comment before finally settling in and enjoying a few brews before heading back down to the Armoury.


End file.
